Life in Africa is Crazy!
#MondayLetters
Africa is a crazy, sometimes hilarious place. Many times, the most complex things have surprisingly funny, simpler, everyday methods, and the most bizarre things are more common than we realize.
Have you ever walked into a shop in Nigeria and the person in the shop has this attitude of: “Why are you disturbing my peace?” — I have walked into many of these small shops countless times, and every single time, I’m baffled.
Don’t these people want to sell or do they just hate my face? I can never understand, lmao. And when they finally get up or you ask a question, you may be lucky to get a one-word answer out of them.
One word? Make that one letter. In Lagos, for example, we have ‘k’ — you pronounce that while breathing out (try it :)) and it means as much as ‘Yes’. But some minimize that even further. They make a clicking sound with their tongue (on the side) to agree with your question and two clicking sounds in the front of the tongue to disagree. Case closed — Go another shop! 🙂
It’s crazy yet hilarious. Being African teaches you that there are always simpler ways to do and say things. For example, a typical African mother, most times, does not need to yell at her misbehaving child or get up to spank them when in a social gathering. All she could do is give the child ‘the look’. You know, the kind of look that says, “you’re a dead, roasted meat when we get home”.
In this case, if that child is smart at all, he would not need any ancestor to tell him to gum his buttocks on the closest chair around him. This is mostly how it plays out.
On rare cases though (or should I say rare children, lol), the ‘look’ does not work. The set of children this look does not work on probably become terrorists later in the future, I don’t know, haha. But, I’m sure they end up causing mega trouble in the world😂
Ehem, back to what I was saying. On rare cases, the ‘look’ doesn’t work, and the parents are often left with two options. The first option being to quickly walk up to the stubborn child and deposit a resounding ‘konk’ on his cranium. Many African parents readily go for this option as it is very effective and straight to the point. The child gets the message quickly and the hot effect of the knuckles can last for hours on the skull, preventing them from misbehaving any time soon.
The second option for the mother, however, would be to give a dangerous smile and nod while maintaining eye contact with the terrorist (child). Many African mothers who are preoccupied at that moment go for this option. If you think there is something more to the smile and nod, then you’re absolutely right! My dear, do not go home with that woman that day if possible. Even if you must, make sure you either apologise for your sins or do the reverse of the useless behavior you have been displaying.
Greet all the guests and people around, start sweeping (even if the place has been swept 10 times already), arrange the place, paying attention to every tiny detail. It is important you let her see you do these things or all your effort will be in vain. Give her water to drink whether she’s thirsty or not (make sure you use your right hand or your matter can go from frying pan to oven).
After doing all these, it is imperative that you find a chair and gum your buttocks on it. If possible, find a book and put it on your lap. Whether you read the book or not is none of my business, just make sure your neck is bent and you’re staring deeply into the book. At this point, you can say you have successfully escaped death. It’s not easy. But, why go through all this stress when you could have just obeyed the first sign? Why choose this route?
Truly, life in Africa is crazy and most times, hilarious.🤣
Do you have other crazy and funny African experiences you want to share? Do so in the comments section!
— Dee.
